misslucero's Blog

 Miley:
I know this isn't what I wanted
I never thought it'd come this far
Just thinking back to where we started
And how we lost all that we are

Nick:
We were young and times were easy
But I could see it's not the same
I'm standing here but you don't see me
I'd give it all for that to change

And I don't want to lose her
Don't wanna let her go

Miley:
I'm standing out in the rain
I need to know if it's over
Cause I will leave you alone
Nick:
Flooded with all this pain 
Knowing that I'll never hold her 
Both:
Like I did before the storm (yeah)
Before the storm

Nick:
With every strike of lightning
Miley:
Comes a memory that lasts
Both:
And not a word is left unspoken
As the thunder starts to crash
Miley:
Maybe I should give up

Miley:
I'm standing out in the rain
I need to know if it's over
Cause I will leave you alone
Nick:
Flooded with all this pain 
Knowing that I'll never hold her 
Like I did before the storm

Miley:
Trying to keep the lights from going out 
Both:
And the clouds from ripping out my broken heart
We always say
A heart is not a whole 
Without the one who gets you through the storm

Standing out in the rain
Knowing that's it really over
Please don't leave me alone
I'm flooded with all this pain, knowing that I'll never hold you 
Like I did before the storm

Yeah
Like I did before 
The storm...

 And it is my favorite. But this year it isn't going to be fun, or happy. Keith is in Korea fighting for our freedom while i'm stuck here doing nothing. I'm alone, I am unemployed and I don't have the money to continue college. Tuesday I have a meeting with my recruiter for the Coast Guard. I am having to make the hardest decision of my life right now. Do I join or stay? I have wanted to be in the Coast Guard for a really long time now. It is something I feel like I need to do in order to be the person I should be. However, I know if I do join Keith and I will probably fall apart. he is in the army so naturally he will be at a fort or AB and I will be on a ship or harbour. I know he's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with....I just don't know what to do. Do I join because it's what I have wanted? And sacrifice being with Keith??? Or do I give up the Coast Guard and wait for him? I can't stand the thought of losing him and that is why I don't know if I can join....I can't bare the thought of being away from Keith, it's already hard enough with him being in Korea....someone shoot me please

 Gotten to talk to Keith much in the past few days. I feel like I am empty, all I do is sleep and sit in my room. I have no desire to do much of anything. My medication levels are finally right and I am feeling much better, but part of my heart is missing....

                 The army sucks right now.

 With my boyfriend,

shhhh don't tell him : p

 I feel like giving up, I don't want to, but I really do : (

I try and be a good person and be there for the ones i love and care about. But somehow I always end up being the bad guy. I would give the shirt off my back for someone I care about, I guess i try too hard? I really don't know what is going on, it's like if I were to do to my friends and others the way they do unto me they would totally write me off. When I am hurt or upset it's automatically my fault.....Maybe it is my fault? Maybe I need to close myself off from people for a good while. This week has been especially hard on me emotionally. Monday I found out I have to give myself a B-12 shot for the rest of my life, Tuesday I found out my adopted grandmother cant visit ( whom I am very close with ) Wednesday I had to tell my psychiatrist i couldn't see her anymore, Thursday I had a really bad experience from my meds and attempted scuicide and today I found out I most likely wont be able to return to school this year. Not to mention spent the early hours of the morning in a hospital and at a new psychiatrist.  The bad week is no excuse for some of my behavior, however I don't think people care about me like I care about them.....

I think I am going to give up on people all together. EP, I think I might take  an internet vacation, away from the internet I mean for a week or two. I haven't decided just yet.

: (

 Last night was one of the hardest nights emotionally I have been through in a long time. I was rushed into the psychiatrist this morning by my father on the account of scuicide attempt ( don't want to give details ) apparently the  medicine i'm on can cause you to become scuicidal if you are given too much or not enough. Apparently I wasn't on enough. I feel much better today : ) 

But last night really made me realize something, something I already knew but at the same time didn't. My boyfriend really does love me. I have never had any relationship where my boyfriend has ever cared about me as much as Keith does. He is there for me, instead of getting angry with me he talks with me about it and really tries to understand where im coming from. I don't like people to understand because even when they say they understand I don't believe them, but I think im letting Keith break through that barrier with me. He is truly the best thing thats ever happened to me and I don't know what I would do if I lost him, he truly is the love of my life.

 Just because I could. People are really pissing me off. 

R.I.P Michael Jackson

 The  US  standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. 

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in  England , and English expatriates built the  US railroads.  

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. 

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. 

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in  England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.  

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial  Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. 

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial  Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States  standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever. 

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the r ear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story: 

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in  Utah  . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.  

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

 My entire life I have feared falling for a man in the army. I think the military is one of the most honorable jobs a person could ever have. In fact I really considered joining the Coast Guard until Keith came into my life. I have to say that even though I promised myself I would never date a man in the army, being with Keith has changed my life. He is what I live for now, and I am the luckiest woman in the entire world to have someone so wonderful in my life. I love you, even though I never thought I could be an army wife, I know I could if it means being with you for the rest of my life. I love you

If I had everything my way

i want to be an art restorator so bad. i want to paint so bad, but I fear I will never be good enough to make money. I am making money already but the problem is I don't like to paint what people tell me to. I only can paint well when I have freedom. I want to paint what I want and still make it. I want to marry my boyfriend one day and be happy. I want a siberian husky and a siamese cat. I said I could live anywhere but I can't, I can't live in a small house i'm sorry I have lived this way my entire life I don't think I can change : ( Truth is I don't know yet if I only want one child or any and I want it to be a boy if i do. I want to be a foster parent even if it's hard. I want to be accepted by your family. I want you to love me as much as I love you. I want to make you as happy as you make me. I want a real best friend thats a girl, just one who is as true and honest to me as I am to you. I want to own a horse and I want to live in Alaska. I want to give my parents back what they gave me. I wish I was a better person. I want to stop smoking and deal with my depression without medication. I want to be a harder worker than I already am. I want to keep fighting for my life. I will fight for you, for me, for those I love. I want to give those I love the world <333333

Just thoughts I had : /

Im going to explode from all of this i'm sure of it lol

I love you all

 I am on a new medicine called Zoloft for anxiety and depression. I have only taken it for two days now, today being my third day. The first two days I felt happier with the only side effect being heartburn after I took it. Today however is very different......I feel angry, I feel annoyed easily I am just angry at the world today and feel like yelling and screaming at everyone for everything wrong in my life even though they are all my own problems. My doctor said I would feel this way for a couple of weeks, I don't want to feel this way for weeks before it gets better..... It is also making me extremely drowsy....which I don't like. i know it will take time to get used to and it will be good then, but getting used to it isn't going to be easy I can already tell.

I'm only 19 and i'm so tired of having 8 doctors appointments a week. i'm tired of hurting all the time and i'm tired of because of all these medical problems being depressed. I'm tired of having to take up to 15 different medications at night. I'm tired of worrying when my next problem will occur. I'm just tired, sometimes I really just wish I could give up. I just want to live a normal life

 Keith my boyfriend in the Army and I talk every night from 3am till 8am my time. He is in Korea so I stay up to talk to him. He didn't get on last night for some reason and it really sucked. I got to talk to him this morning though, so that made me really happy to wake up to his messages. He is perfect, i'm so in love <3